Link to podcast to follow
It’s quite funny (or sad?) how in today’s day and age, when used in email correspondence, the word ‘important’ actually means ‘uber spam’.
When I opened my private email today, for instance, there were about fifteen emails which were literally screaming at me (by means of an excessive use of caps lock), telling me how they IMPORTANT they were.
As I was feeling incredibly magnanimous today (it being sunny and all), I decided to give the said emails a chance and, so, started looking through those in turn.
I shouldn’t have.
For today’s rant (and, hopefully, for your entertainment), I have chosen to look at and comment on the top five of those.
IMPORTANT! DON’T MISS YOUR CHANCE!
Great properties on offer in London, ranging from £500k to £3mln available NOW! Call NOW and don’t MISS your chance to move into YOUR DREAM PROPERTY!
As soon as I saw the above, I said to myself ‘OK, AM DOING IT NOW’, at which point I phoned through to HR and requested a £1mln pay raise which I, of course, got and paid for the said property in cash.
I NOW own a beautiful three- room apartment in central London which I can always visit in my dream.
IMPORTANT! DO IT BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!
Is your hair receding? Buy our new and improved shampoo with OLIVE OIL EXTRACT before IT’S TOO LATE!
Even though my hair wasn’t receding, I decided that the above sounded way too serious to be a joke or a scam, so I popped down to the local corner shop and got me a bottle of olive oil.
IMPORTANT! CHINA IS GOING DOWN!
Have you HEARD? China’s growth is STAGNATING and YOU can make a profit out of that by buying shares in OUR Company!
And here I was, thinking that by 2020 China would become the world’s largest economy. Apparently, economists had lately failed to take into account such IMPORTANT emails and had deceived us all.
Had the above company actually existed, I would have bought some shares in it, honestly.
IMPORTANT! DO YOU FEEL SAFE!?
Is your neighbourhood unfriendly? Do people SCARE you? Call us for IMMEDIATE protection!
Talk about the Good Samaritan, eh? I was so happy to see that such caring companies still existed.
The only thing that puzzled me a tiny bit was…what exactly were they going to do if I was to call them? Teach me karate over the phone? Give me some ninja advice? Send me some pepper spray through the post?
IMPORTANT! PLEASE DO NOT DELETE THIS EMAIL!
Hi, my name is XXXX and I am a registered UK barrister who has been advising the Nigerian government on various matters.
Recently, one of my clients in Nigeria passed away in a plane crash and I am now dealing with his estate.
As he has left behind a discretionary trust, I am looking for lucrative investments with which to maximise his capital.
I am writing to you as I am willing to invest £ 500, 000 in YOUR company.
Could you please get back to me at your earliest convenience with your bank details?
Yours sincerely
XXXX.
I knew I shouldn’t have wound up my PLC! Had I not done so, I would have now been able to get a SECOND dream apartment in central London. Ah, well, you win some, you lose some.
In the light of the above, whenever you feel down or under the weather, do go through your IMPORTANT emails.
I can assure you that it’s an eye- opener, in the very least.
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